Toilet Fluff

"To the left...yeah right there!"

"Ah! That hurts; I thought we agreed on a no biting policy?"

"You wanna eat the cherries or not?"

"Ungh!"

"Yeah, that's good. Real good--UNH!"

"AaaaAAHH! ZAAANDER!"

Star threw the controller to the floor. "You bastard! I was this close to getting the last dot!"

Leaning back into the cushions of the couch, Zan clasped his hands behind his head and threw a half interested look at Star. "There was a ghost riding your ass, no way would you have made it."

"Fucking backseat driver..."

A toilet flushed, momentarily distracting the pair from the disputed video game to exchange cagey looks.

"Did you hear someone come in?" Zan slid off the couch, cautiously moving across the apartment towards the bathroom.

Star groped under the sofa for his gun, routinely checking it quickly for ammunition before following Zan. "Nope."

The sudden appearance of one copper-haired wizard in the doorway did nothing to ease the tension. Smirking at the confused faces, and the debatable end of a pistol, Lexi finished wiping his hands. "So, are you two done butt-raping one another?"

"Lexi. How the hell did you get in?" Zan frowned. "And what are you doing here?"

Lexi thought for a moment, hands paused in motion. "I--don't know," He tapped his chin, thinking. "But I have a hunch it involves the sole purpose of delivering the line 'are you two done butt-raping one another.'"

Zan looked over his shoulder to Star who shrugged in return, only reluctantly letting the weapon to drop to his side.

Their screaming probably had sounded a bit suggestive...and then Zan's mind put the sexual side of things together with the sound of a flushing toilet. He whapped Lexi upside the head. "You wanker."

"Oh don't flatter yourself!" The wizard rolled his eyes, hand rubbing a throbbing ear with a slight wince. "By the way, your toilet is broken."

"And how did that happen?" Star tested the validity of this by jiggling the handle with his foot; he'd rather not touch anything in their bathroom unless under absolute necessity, and with extra strength antibacterial soap in immediate standby.

Zan crossed his arms. "Lexi?"

"Bye!" The apartment door slammed shut.

"Wonderful." After glaring at the door for a moment, Zan returned to stare at the still running toilet. "I don't suppose you were ever a plumber?"

"Not exactly." Star regarded the dysfunctional john momentarily. Without warning, or much thought, he raised the gun at an angle and shot a bullet into the lazily running system. He smirked proudly. "Fixed. Another round of Pacman then?"

"STAR!" Zan stepped slightly bowlegged away from the onrush of bowl water leaking onto the tiled floor. "You maniac! It'll flood the bathroom in an hour tops."

"Mmhm. You're probably right." Star bit down a grin and motioned to his unemotional face. "See this? Face of caring."

Zan narrowed his eyes. "Your room is next door. Although it already smells like sh--"

"Why isn't the plumber on speed dial??" Star searched the labeled numbers again; suddenly he was in a hurry.

"Just to piss you off. Is it working?"

"Yes." He was too busy to glare. "But I could blow your head off and make myself fell better."

Zan moved past him to begin the fun of searching for the phonebook. "Is that an off--OH that is not a good feeling!!"

Distracted by the shout, Star tore his eyes away from the phone and almost laughed at the picture Zan made. "You look like a crane with a water allergy."

"Funny, I was about to say you looked like an asshole." Hopping awkwardly, Zan attempted maneuvering the soggy sock off his foot without touching it.

As much as Star enjoyed his roommate's plight, it was embarrassing to see him make such a fool of himself. Side stepping the puddle of toilet water, Star grabbed him by the flailing ankle. Unprepared for the shift of weight, Zan's arms latched around his manhandler's waste.

"That's not clean water..." Star mused out loud.

"GET IT OFF!!" Zan growled through his teeth, kicking out for emphasis.

"Stop squeezing my colon!" He peeled the offending sock off with a minor nose wrinkle and threw it at the wall. It made a sickly slap that made Zan flinch and nearly bruise poor Star's colon.

"I hope I shit on you." Star tried to loosen the death grip. "Since when are you germaphobic?"

"Shut up." The retort was muffled due to Zan's face being pressed into Star's thigh.

Star groaned. "Zan..." He could feel him laughing.

"I can't feel my face."

Ungracefully, Star managed to shuffle to the couch and shake the dark-haired leech off. Zan, face flushed from the blood rush, barely managed to shift over to avoid being crushed.

"Is your freak out over now?" Star asked, imitating the earlier action and sliding his arms around the other's waist.

Zan rolled on top of him, resting his chin on Star's chest with a slight smile in his eyes. "That was, literally, disgustingly sweet of you."

"Not my intention, but yay. Point for me." He mumbled, distractedly sweeping hair away from Zan's face, comfortably leaving his fingers entwined.

"I still win."

"As you should." Star used his convenient hold on Zan's hair to bring them together with an ambrosial kiss.

At the perfect moment, just when things were developing into a rousing game of tonsil hockey, a monstrous gurgle erupted from the direction of the bathroom.

"Please tell me that was you." Star gave a mental sigh as Zan sat up and fixed his shirt.

"My sexy noises don't sound like a person drowning."

"Are you trying to kill me?" His voice was slightly strained.

Zan pondered this with a playfully devious mien. "Some days I wonder. You seem to be on enough people's shit lists though."

"No, seriously, you're leaning on my chest." Star slumped in relief as air flooded his lungs again. "Hey, where are you going?"

He wasn't going to let that damn toilet interrupt his ass getting time.

Zan gave an enigmatic smile before turning tail and leaving a frustrated Star. "Two options: fix the toilet, or..." He let the proposal trail off as he entered his bedroom.

Or? Star liked the audacity of the open invitation. His partner was usually so demure. He looked towards the apartment door, hoping it was locked against any persons who felt like randomly dropping in. Making a beeline for Zan's bedroom, he was met with an interesting surprise. An envelope was taped to the doorknob.

Curiosity won over lascivious impatience, and Star nearly shredded the stiff (Stiff! He bit the inside of his cheek) paper. He read the enclosed card, a feral smirk on his lips:

Happy Valentines Day, love.
<3 Zan

PS- I CALL SEME!

"Like hell!" The door slammed shut behind him, followed by the resolute click of a lock.

Meanwhile, in the currently loathed room of bowel relieve, the silver handle on the toilet unstuck itself. There was another gurgle, and a great splashing commotion. A grey ball fluttered out of the bowl, landing with a wet plop. The grey thing ruffled its feathers apart, a bullet falling out of the waterlogged body.

With an indignant look, the familiar pigeon hopped its way to the windowsill. It teetered on the edge, peering down with beady black eyes.

The poor bird didn't expect the loud, sustained shout from the occupied room down the hall.

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